My neurologist, Dr. Casaubon, probably a descendant of thirteenth century Cathar heretics,¹ pinged ans ponged me with her Queen’s Square hammer and declared me normal. Still, just in case her hammering had missed a mark, she ordered up for me a Magnetic Resonance Imaging and a Magnetic Resonance Angiogram.

I had already come into contact with the Queens hammer in the offices of my family doctor and had experimented by rubbing its rubber mallet on all surfaces of his office with marvelous results. When I demonstrated the wonderful nuances in sound I could produce in his office, my family doctor was impressed. But not nearly as much as me, for in this wonderful instrument I believed I had found the answer to all my past Super Ball woes.

I asked my doctor for its name. He said, “It’s called the Queen’s Square Hammer.  Its named for a square in London, England. When I got home I typed the name into Google Earth, and was immediately taken to Queens Square Imaging Center in London, England, and there, for the nonce, my quest rested.

I purchased my Queens Hammer (Patella Percussor) in the medical section of the University of Toronto bookstore for $6.99. It’s not quite as good as the one owned by my family doctor whose rubber ball is a bit harder and whose handle is more flexible.  Even so I don’t hesitate to recommend this to all percussionists seeking a more reliable instrument for producing those wonderful groans and buzzes we all so love.

If you Google “Queen’s Hammer, you’ll have to scroll past a rock band with the same name. I suggest you search out a percussor with a bamboo handle and a rubber ball almost twice the size of the one I purchased. Also, pass up the small tomahawk shaped percussor with a metal handle. Insist on a Queen’s Square Hammer used by neurologists and other Patella punchers.

1. Indeed, Dr. Casaubon’s ancestral  village, Casaubon (Cazaubon), lies in southern France within sight of the Pyrenees foothills, one of the focal points of the Albigensian Crusade,.